君と僕の関係
[Kimi to Boku no Kankei]
By Bayou
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Part 6
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Shogo thought that both of them would feel the same at each other.
So why would it end like this?
On that fated day, they were relaxing on the sofa; Shogo was leaning his back on the seat and watching a comedy show on TV while Takashi laid his head on Shogo's lap, reading a book. When suddenly he got bored and put down his book and stared at Shogo's face for a while until his partner noticed him and he blushed a little.
"What?" Shogo asked.
"Nothing. C'mere," Takashi put his hand behind Shogo's head and pulled his partner's head closer to his and kissed him.
Shogo's lips naturally parted and allowed Takashi's tongue to slide in. They kissed for quite some time before the words just slip out of his mouth.
"I love you..." Shogo said.
Takashi froze. He broke the kiss and sat up the sofa, looking confused.
"Taka-chan?"
Takashi pressed his forehead with his palm and rubbed it down and stopped at his mouth.
"Why do you have to say that?" he said.
"What? What's wrong with saying that I love you?"
"Stop. Stop at that!" Takashi sounded panicking.
Shogo was confused.
"Everything is working perfectly without that word. If you said that, things are going to be complicated."
"Why?" Shogo didn't understand what his partner was trying to say.
"We're perfect just like this. Without any word of love inserted. That one particular word can ruin everything," Takashi muttered his words.
"What do you mean by that...?"
Takashi was silent.
Shogo thought of something awful that suddenly crossed his mind. He gasped and clasped his mouth.
"Taka-chan... d-don't tell me you've been sleeping with other people too?" he didn't want to say it, but those words came out of his mouth just like that. He just had to make sure.
Takashi was still quiet.
Shogo let out a pathetic awkward laugh.
"Please tell me that what I said was a lie."
Takashi stood still and didn't say anything, but his expression said everything. It was the guilty expression anyone could have when they were caught doing something terribly awful.
"So it's true?!" Shogo raised his voice, his eyes wildered in disbelief. It was the first time in so many years that he let his emotion out on the surface.
He stood up and walked back and forth in the living room in agony, pressing both of his temples with his thumb and middle finger.
"Oh my god. I can't believe this. After all these years! I thought we share the same mutual feelings, yet..." he hung his words and sighed, "That's why you never answered my questions clearly..." he looked dejected as he said so.
"Sho-chan..." Takashi tried to reach out his partner, but Shogo slapped his hand harshly.
"Don't touch me!" Shogo shouted.
Just thinking that he was touched countless time by the same hands that were used to touch other people, disgust him.
His chest felt tight and something choked up his throat. His stomach felt funny in an unpleasant way, he felt like throwing up. His head felt like spinning and he almost lost his balance. He reached out to the sofa arm and supported his body there.
How many person has he been sleeping with?
How many years has he done that?
The questions resounding in his head repeatedly.
Takashi was still like a statue and didn't say anything. Shogo tried to calm himself down and subdued his trembled body.
"Are you not satisfied with me, Taka-chan?" he asked. His voice miss-pitched in several words and he looked like he was on the verge of tears. "Am I not enough?"
"Sho-chan..." he hung his words. Seeing Shogo's expression, Takashi couldn't give any reasoning to him.
"You're living with me because I'm convenient to you. Aren't you, Taka-chan? Because I won't ask you for anything and won't be pregnant no matter how many times you fuck me. And by the time you're bored, you just go and sleep with somebody else... You did a great job keeping it from me for so long..."
Shogo didn't know how much it hurt him when he said that. He felt his heart was crushed and shattered into small pieces, so he didn't care if Takashi was hurting by his words too.
"It's not that..." Takashi wanted to defend himself, but failed to find any excuse. Whatever he'd say, he was the one at fault from the beginning.
"How many..." Shogo canceled his words, "No, never mind that. I don't want to know how many people you've been fucking while you're with me. Or how long have you been done that," he took a deep breath and exhaled it out. "We're over."
Takashi's eyes widened. His mouth was opening and closing as if he wanted to say something, but not a single word came out of it.
Shogo paused for a momement before walked his way to the front door, reached out his jacket that was hung near the genkan before taking out his shoes from the shoe rack and put them on.
"Where are you going?" Takashi asked, chashing after him.
Shogo stood up by the door and glanced at Takashi with a cold gaze.
"Out of here. Anywhere. I might pick up some guy along the way and let him fuck me in return for a shelter tonight."
A hard slap ran across Shogo's cheek, the voice reverberated in the quiet room.
Takashi clasped his hand; he was surprised by his own act by impulse. He knew he didn't have the right hitting Shogo. He wanted to say sorry, but the word stuck in his throat. While Shogo just accepted the slap and maintaining his cold gaze.
"Oh, now you're mad? You've been doing it for years, so why can't I?"
Takashi lost in his words. He couldn't even stop Shogo when he walked out through the door...
He was still hoping that Takashi would chase him over and stopped him. Saying he's sorry and pleaded him to come back. Perhaps kissing him and forcing his way at Shogo like the usual to win him over.
But no.
Takashi was a man of his pride, and so did he. It would be hard for Shogo to squeeze out the word of sorry out of Takashi. If they were having a fight, it all would be over in no time without any single apologetic words. And somewhat, things turned to be okay.
But not this time. This wasn't any ordinary fight.
Takashi had betrayed him for years!
While he was being faithful, his partner slipped out at certain nights to sleep with other people. And not even a thousand words of sorry could ever fix their relationship. Ever again...
His heart was torn and ripped apart. His mind was blank. Everything that had happened before was like a bad dream he had. Somewhat he wished that this whole thing was only a mere nightmare. And he waited to be awake beside Takashi in their warm bed and glancing at his partner who laughed at him over his nightmare.
So he waited.
And waited a bit longer while his eyes stared blankly at the unstarry sky above.
As if the sky took a pity to his misarable self, the rain started to pour hard. The water blurred his vision and he didn't even notice that some of the water that was dripping came from his own eyes. It's been years since the last time he cried like this.
At that time, he knew that everything was real...
[To be continued]
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